Inside Out
by Busshunter
Summary: You couldn't imagine how would be like to live without her, though the only thing you've got from Santana was one night every three weeks. So, for the very first time, you push her against the door and kiss her wildly without giving her any time to react against it and it confuses you even more because you start to think that maybe she doesn't want this to end either.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there! Ok, I was inspired by** **Britney Spears'** **song** **'Inside Out'** **, I really love it... I can't stop listening to it and thousands Quinntana's scenes keep coming to my mind so... I wrote this, and if you like it... I may continue it ;) I would love to read any advice of you!**

* * *

 _Said you gonna be here in a minute_

 _Sitting in the mirror getting pretty_

 _Gotta look my best if we gonna break up_

 _Gotta look my best if we gonna break up_

 _You knew that this would happen, but you didn't care._

You blame it on the way she kisses you, touches you… how she makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world when her chocolate brown eyes are staring at you.

You'll never tell her that you love all of her. You love the way she treats you like a queen, the way she always wakes you up by kissing your body and whispering sweet nothings you've been waiting to hear from someone for so long. Your heart melts every time she looks at you when she's done making love to you. You know deep down that she's confessing that she loves you with that look, but you avoid that and what your heart is trying to tell you. So you grab her by her neck and kiss her with all the passion you have; like you're telling her to 'shut up, I'm not done with you yet' and you swiftly flip her over.

Santana's the only girl for you. She's perfect for you in every way you look at her.

Except that you're not the only girl for her and that's why you kept sleeping with those stupid boys.

You hate daylight.

You hate it because you know that's when she's going to go back to her perfect girlfriend. Her girlfriend... even though you've been having sex for three years, since Mr. Schue's failed Valentine's Day wedding, she went back to Brittany. Of course she would.

You hate yourself because maybe you would be together if it wasn't for your stupid mind that freaked out for months about sleeping with another woman. Even though you loved it. And you hate yourself because you just gave Brittany the perfect opportunity to claim what once was hers during those months of confusion.

And you lost your chance.

So now, you always have to settle for whatever Santana gives you.

And that kills you because you can't live without her, you can't even think straight when she's gone. Every time she leaves, it takes you days to get over the fact that she'll always chose Brittany over you. No matter what, she always leaves you for her. So you go out, get drunk and grab anything with legs that could make you forget about her at least for a minute.

But it's useless, because she'll appear at your apartment with a bottle of red wine in her hands three weeks later and kiss you senseless against your apartment door.

It's like you're drowning in this sick 'relationship'. You want it to stop, to escape from her, but you can't, you're addicted to her, so you want more and more and –

You just can't.

"God, I fucking missed your lips", her raspy voice echoes in your mind and you moan into her mouth when you feel her hands caressing your body. You shut your mind out when you want to ask her, 'Why are you with her if you keep coming back for me?'.

"Bed. Now." she demands, and you smile seductively at her as you start slowly taking your clothes off, never breaking eye contact while she closes the door.

You'll never ask her because you're terrified that she would run away from you and you'll never see her again.

That's your fucking problem.

You'll never do anything for what you want.

Once you give in and beg her to let you cum, your toes curl. Santana's head is above your chest feeling your heartbeat until you come undone digging your fingers into her strong back trying to not scream so loud. You push the Latina by her hair so you can kiss her clumsily and you want her to see how you're surrendering to her. How you are giving her everything you have.

You need to make her mind and heart remember you every time she goes home to her girlfriend that's not you.

And you think that you're succeeding because every time that you do that she whispers "you're so beautiful" so close to you that you believe she loves you back.

Almost.

...

..

.

You've been doing this for almost three years now, and here you are watching yourself in the mirror as you're getting pretty for her.

But this time you think it'll be different, because it was the first time that she'd called you first to warn you that she was coming to your place.

And those words were enough to make your heart ache, because you know deep inside that whatever it is the two of you have going on is coming to an end.

You want to cry, to yell at her and demand that she can't leave you. Not now. Not ever.

You are in a constant battle between your heart and mind about telling Santana your true feelings for her.

You won't do it. You can't

Why?

Because, how are you going to give your heart to a person that you know doesn't love you back? Why should you open yourself up to someone who could destroy you so easily by saying 'I'm so sorry but I don't feel the same' or 'I love you, but I can't'?

It makes no sense. It's stupid.

So, you swallow every stupid thought that flies to your mind and decide to keep putting on makeup and that perfume Santana loves.

Your heart and body freeze when you hear that familiar knock on your door.

Santana's here.

Thum, thumthum, thum, thumthum.

Your heart doesn't know whether to feel crazy, anxious, excited, normal, miserable, hysterical, happy, sad….

It makes you so mad that Santana has that effect on you.

You open the door and you find out that you're right.

This time is different.

Santana doesn't have a bottle of wine in her hands, she has them inside her jacket pockets instead.

You knew then… that was the end.

But again, you can't.

You can't let this happen. You couldn't imagine what it would be like to live without her. Though the only thing you've got from Santana was one night every three weeks. So, for the very first time, you push her against the door and kiss her passionately without giving her any time to react against it and it maddens you and confuses you even more because you start to think that maybe she doesn't want to end this either.

"Quinn", you can hear the sadness in her voice but you shake your head and kiss her more frantically than before, if it were possible.

"Not now", you beg her locking your hazel eyes with hers. She just nods at you while she leans forward to return your kisses and starts to guide the two of you towards your bed.

It's when you grab her left hand that you feel it.

Santana is engaged.

She's engaged to Brittany.

She's going to marry her.


	2. Chapter 2

**OH MY GOD. OK, I want to say thanks to everyone that reviewed this story and... well I can't describe what I felt when I read every comment. You're awesome! I want you to know that I consider every advice that you've given to me and that's why I've decided that this story won't be g!p, I'll write one, don't worry ;) Hope I didn't screw this story with this chapter lol. I'll be waiting for your review! Thanks again!**

 **All mistake are mine, ups.**

* * *

 _I can hear you knocking at the front door_

 _And I know exactly what you came for_

 _Try to say goodbye but it's hot and heavy_

 _Try to say goodbye but it's hot and heavy_

You hate it. You hate knowing that it could be your last night with Santana, you hate the way that this is happening. You hate Brittany for ruining your life. You hate everything but your lover-best friend. And maybe, you should hate her, you think, because you're not sane at all. You don't even have a real life, because you should be happy like every girl should be in her twenties… but here you are, trying to not let your heart crash in pieces in front of Santana… and you hate her right now. You want to ask her if she really doesn't see how she's playing with your heart, but you're scared. Yeah, you're fuckin' scared because her answer could be 'I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted more than this' and you know if that happened… you'll live the rest of your life with those words torturing you. And that's not life.

So, you swallow all the things you want to shout at her and start to kiss her angrily and Santana lets you do whatever you want. 'Maybe she does know', you think but it doesn't matter because that ring is telling you that she's chosen another blond before you, so –

You grab her hand hysterically and Santana tries to break the kiss to ask you what are you doing but you keep kissing her with your eyes closed because you don't want to see how beautiful that ring could be. When you remove the ring you immediately threw it away and you grab her face sharply so you can kiss her passionately. You felt for a second that Santana wanted to complain about what you did, but she didn't. And you don't know how to feel about that reaction. Is she being respectful or is she feeling sorry for you? A bit of both, perhaps. And, well… you feel sorry for you too.

Your head is piercing you by telling you that you should stop this and talk to her, to confess your feelings, to demand what she wants from you–

But you can't.

You don't do this feelings thing and the Latina either, so you shut your mind off and start to take her clothes off. You want to give her the best last night of her life and you know you only have this night to show her that you belong to her and she… she should belong to you and not to Brittany.

"Quinn –", you already know what she's going to say. You know that she's going to stop this and say goodbye, but you can't let that happen right now. You won't let her say those words, so you pushed her towards your bed and straddle her so you can kiss her furiously and you managed to stop her talking, but, then… her smooth hands grab your face and her eyes melt in yours. You can see the sadness in those chocolate eyes, you want to ask her why she's feeling like this. If she doesn't want this to end or to leave you, but when she gives you the saddest smile you've ever seen … you understand her somehow.

"I know", you whisper against her lips and she leans forward to kiss you so slowly that it almost kills you inside. She's not saying goodbye to you verbally but she does it through her loving actions. Yes, this time she has the courage to prove that whatever this thing is, it means something to her and you can't control how your heart and you open yourself to her once again. Your heart misses a beat when she looks at you like you're a fallen angel from heaven who came to save her from her meaningless life.

If there's one thing we all want it's to feel loved, and you want to feel deeply connected to someone, fully seen and appreciated by that person, and secure in that relationship.' Is that so hard? Am I asking too much?' you always ask yourself and God before you close your eyes to sleep at night.

You say you love Santana, of course you do. You love her with all your heart and you swear that you've never felt like that before and that's why you say you love her, but… they say that the first step to having a close relationship starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal. You simply have to ask about the other person, fully listening to what they have to say, and then finding common ground. So… how can you say that you love her if every time Santana comes to see you, you do everything but talk? You think that maybe you're that kind of 'non-couple' that don't need words to understand each other. You've always managed to read what your eyes are trying to say to each other. Maybe you're that close? You don't really know and you won't ask her that.

"I know", you repeat, kissing her lips once more. This time, she kisses you deeper and more passionately and you can't help but moan into the kiss as Santana forces her tongue into your mouth. Then you feel the Latina break the kiss, "Quinn I–", and you don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear whatever she has to say. You can't. You're so fucking terrified that she's going to tell you she can't do this, or she feels like shit for doing this to her future wife … you're scared that maybe you'll hear those three fucking words that you've waited so long to hear from her lips, because, what would you do if she said that? You know that she won't leave Brittany for you and that's why you can't listen to her say that, because you will never be happy living in a world without her. If she's going to say those words, she has to be single and able to promise you that she'll be yours forever. But she's not.

So, you closed your eyes and shut her up by kissing her. The brunette gives in and lays on top of you and starts to trail kisses down your neck as she slowly takes your clothes off. This is the first time you feel like she's taking her time with you, like she's going to make love to you in slow motion and it's too much for you. You can't help but let some tears fall down your cheeks, and suddenly she's kissing them away as you start to shake uncontrollably. You thought you could hide your emotions but you've failed. You can't open your eyes because you're afraid that she would look through you and realize that you love her –although you think she already knows– and that's why she put her forehead against yours and both of you are breathing the same air. You can't stop shaking. It's like your body is convulsing all your hiding feelings and you've never felt that vulnerable before. It's horrible. You hate feeling like this and you hate even more that Santana knows how this is affecting you now. Then you feel kisses all over your face until those puffy and delicious lips are demanding attention from your lips. So you open your mouth and welcome her tongue. It's when the both of you are kissing like that, that you feel your head spinning and your skin burning beneath her fingers. You half-open your eyes to find out that Santana's eyes are closed too, and you can't explain how unbelievable that feels, because it's seems like you don't need communication, you just feel each other. After three seconds, the brunette opens her eyes and you've never been watched like that. You were used to Santana looking at you hungrily, not like you're the most precious thing in this world, or like… she loves you. You feel like you're about to explode and she kisses you again, you gasp, you let her hands travel down your naked body and you want more. You want her to take you, to make you hers, but she's taking her time with you. She's so soft, so sexy, so beautiful...

You feel her hips press down and your back arch when you feel that exotic pressure. She attacks your sweet spot on your neck again and you moaned loudly this time. You close your eyes so you can feel her flicking her wet tongue against your hardened nipple and her mouth enclosing around it so she could suck on it. You guide your hand to the back of her neck so you can press her harder into your chest. You love all the things Santana does with her tongue.

You grab her perfect ass and she moans against your breast. The air in your room has changed and you need to feel her inside you, but the Latina ignores you and maintains her rhythm. You start to play with her hair anxiously when you feel her fingers stroking inward and up the inside of your trembling thighs. You are breathing so hard, you can see your stomach's movements every time her fingers touch your skin and it's driving you mad. She lifts her head to look at you so deep and you know she can hear how your heart is beating so loud and so excited –like you hear hers– and then she kissed you as if there was no tomorrow and the next thing you feel is her fingers running along the length of yours and–

You know you're so wet and so warm and that's why Santana groans against your lips. You press your fingers on her cheeks because, well, it's so hot and you can already feel the pressure building in your stomach, although she didn't do anything yet. She continues kissing you as she draws circles and presses on your entrance. You have to break the kiss at that, because you are going to yell at her for being so–

"Ugh Santana", you can't help but pant against her ear, you can hardly focus in what you're saying because her magical fingers cause that in you. You could swear you heard a 'god' escape from Santana's mouth but you're not really sure. Your hands snap back to her hips when she bites your neck, your hips are jerking into hers meeting her fingers as they move inside of you so slowly and every time she enters you, she's so deep and hits that spongy spot that makes your legs shake and your head fall back on your pillow with your mouth wide open.

"You're so–", you know what she's going to say and it breaks you when she doesn't finish it. You push away what your mind is trying to tell you and you nudge your nose against her cheek because you want to feel her as close as possible.

It's ironic that you feel so complete when you are with her in this way but you can't feel utterly heartbroken at the same time, because, well… this is–

You can't say it or think about it.

So, you bring your hand between your bodies and start to guide it down her stomach. You can feel how ready she is, how wet she is for you as she grinds forward. You enter her and you can't help but clench around her fingers because it always feels amazing being inside her.

"Fuck, Quinn", she moans and then she flicks her tongue against your bottom lip in the way she knows you love and drives you crazy. Your hands travel around her back, squeezing the flesh, trying to speed up the movements, and you win.

"Fuck!," you're kissing wildly and sloppy as you can feel both of your bodies starting to shudder, knees giving out, trying to maintain and deepen the rocking motion you two had set. Your hot, heavy and shaky breathe mixes with hers and you can feel it coming.

"Quinn- ugh look at me baby, open your eyes ", and you obey her, your hazel eyes fuse with brown and you read those loving words in them. You feel your heart expanding so much like it's going to explode when you see that she's going to confess that to you.

But you can't let that happen. You couldn't take it.

So you lean forward and kiss her hard and curve your fingers inside her once, twice as you rock your hips faster. You bite her bottom lip so hard when you start to feel you're coming and curl your fingers around her jaw. Your orgasm hits you like a train when you feel her walls clench around you so hard that you're afraid that it would break your fingers.

And the next thing you remember was her body laying down on you exhausted.

…

..

.

The time has arrived, and you try your best to not break into tears against your apartment door once you saw her leaving your place.

You didn't talk, you didn't demand anything because…what was the point? None. You weren't a couple, you weren't anything. So, she set you free and you didn't have another choice than to do the same.

You couldn't contain the massive pain that was expanding in your chest, so the first thing you did when you closed that door was to find anything to drink away the pain.

Maybe, the best thing you could do was to go into an alcoholic coma, so that way you couldn't suffer anymore. But when you started to drink, you heard someone knocking on your door. 'Could it be Santana? Maybe she regretted it and she chose me!' your mind was screaming hysterically as you run to open the door. You could already imagine how high you would jump straight into her arms and the countless times you would say 'I love you' to her against her lips and–

"Rough night?"

And none of the things that you've imagined would happen because the person that was standing in front of you was the one and only Brittany Pierce.


	3. Chapter 3

First of all, I would like to **Ann10155** who started to help me, but more than anything to thank my current Beta **AngieMG** for correcting all the chapters and helping me to finish this one. I'll give you a gift someday!

Hope you like it :)

* * *

 _You touch me and it's breaking me down_  
 _And me down and me down and me down_  
 _I'm telling you let's just give it up_  
 _And get down and get down and get down_

"I need you to come here, please", I said at once. I slammed the door a little too furiously, even frightening myself as we made our way into my living room. I needed company, or I knew I would go insane. Being alone right now was not an option, and I was grateful that my closest friends would be here for me as I attempted to sort through my issues.

I was lucky in a way because Rachel and Kurt were staying here this weekend. After talking to them, they arrived a little over half an hour later. As soon as I opened the door, Rachel reached out and hugged me tightly; she ordered Kurt to make us tea as we slowly made our way into the living room.

The first reaction from my friends was looking at me speechless without blinking, trying to assess the information that I had dropped on them. In part, it was rather comical to see Rachel stutter for the first time in her life. Clearly, she could not process the information I had told her. She did not know what to say. I felt slightly ashamed because I was in the middle of a future marriage.

My friends confessed they didn't expect that from Santana. I knew that, although they didn't tell me verbally, they were referring to the fact that they were not expecting for Santana to do that to Brittany, who had always been the love of her life, her soulmate, since high school.

While I was still drinking a bottle of wine so I could 'relieve' the pain I was feeling, I was waiting for my friends to react and give me the typical advice or possible solutions. There were no, 'you're going to overcome this,' or, 'you are going to find that person that you really deserve,' or, 'give it time; it'll solve everything'.

The issue was that I really didn't know what kind of person I deserved by my side. Perhaps I deserved living through these things for all I've done throughout my life with my ex's.

Maybe it was karma that was telling me 'now you'll see what it feels like to not be loved back'. Maybe I was one of those exceptions where time didn't work, it could appease the pain but I would never forget it, and I knew that I would never be as happy as I was in Santana's arms.

If I've never been so happy with the mere fact of having her one night every three weeks for three years, I wondered what I would have done with so much love and happiness if Santana had been completely mine. Perhaps, it would have been the most liberating thing. I would have done anything for her.

"I'm going to buy ice cream and a lot of chocolate," said Rachel while she was standing up searching for her coat to go out. "I read in a magazine that chocolate stimulates the endorphins production in the body, causing a great sense of happiness –that's why I want to go buy it now – It also helps to increase serotonin levels in the brain, acting in the body as an antidepressant aaand–"

"Sex also does that and without the need to get fat, it puts you in shape in any case ", Kurt chided with a laugh.

"Are you saying I need to get in shape?", I asked him with a fragile voice because it felt like the alcohol was taking effect on my body, and I couldn't help but feel a little more unstable and sensitive.

"What?" Kurt was staring at me and I started to sob again.

"Maybe that's why Santana left me, Brittany has the body of a goddess and I only have scars from caesareans and accidents and–" I broke into tears. It depressed me to remember that I no longer had the body I used to have in my teens when I was captain of the cheerios.

"See! Look what you've done!", Rachel began yelling scathingly to Kurt who didn't understand what was happening.

"But I didn't say that! I just want her to take care of her body because those pounds are difficult to lose at our age! We are no longer those young-"

"I'm fa-fat", I was crying on Rachel's shoulder who was trying to calm me down, denying everything that I was saying. I knew she was giving him the 'I'm going to kill you' look to Kurt.

"Do me a favor and go to buy some chocolate and ice cream, Kurt." The brunette demanded to which Kurt first complained, but he went out to do what she asked him.

…

..

.

While I was eating ice cream and lying down on the couch with Rachel looking at one of those stupid TV shows at 3 am, Kurt kept grumbling on the other sofa.

"I think it would be best if we go out to a strip club rather than sitting here watching this," Kurt finally said and Rachel looked at him intently.

"I will not let Quinn have sex in this emotional state, Kurt. Besides she could grab any sexual disease by doing those things, you never know how many people someone has slept with or if they were rapists or -"

"Rachel, stop being such a drama queen for a while. I'm just saying that Quinn should meet more people, that's the only way to clear her own head and spend a good evening with friends. Although getting laid never hurt anyone, you should try it by the way, you look like you need it Rach". Rachel looked at him with her mouth open, she was outraged and couldn't believe what she had just heard.

"Kurt -"

"Racheeeell -"

"Could you two stop?", I asked and sigh a little nervous. "The last thing I need now is to have sex with a stranger, okay? I just want to know what I should do"

"I think you should talk to her, Quinn. Santana wouldn't keep doing this for three years if she didn't have feelings for you, obviously. You should go someday, make sure Brittany is there at that time and spill it out. All of it. You should tell Santana that Brittany came to talk to you and that she knows that you two are sleeping together behind her back – that marriage is absurd and that there is no point in continuing with this situation and –", Rachel started to talk but I shook my head. Kurt nodded unconvinced by the idea of Rachel. I didn't agree with her.

"If she really felt something for me, she wouldn't have left. She would be here with me," I said, trying not to break into tears once again.

"You know how Santana is, she's like you, she will never make the first move until the other does, Quinn," Kurt said. "You never said what you felt, and she didn't want to take a risk by doing it either." I kept shaking my head. "I think you should go and end all these farces, what more can you lose?"

"Brittany already knows and she told me she's not going to leave her, no matter what. If I do that, Santana will get married because she feels guilty and she will be at Brittany's mercy her while life", I answered him and it made them shut up, because they know I was right. Brittany was going to play the role of victim and Santana, if it was hard for the Latina to leave her before, with that she could never do it.

…

..

.

"You look like a sad panda, as if someone just died," Brittany said to me while she was sitting on the couch relaxed. 'I am dead', I thought in my head, trying to ignore the urge to strangle the woman in front of me.

"Why are you here Brittany?", I asked her in an unfriendly way.

"I want you to stop this, Quinn. For your own sake and for mine... and for Santana", she said coolly, looking at me with those blue eyes and it made me swallow hard. 'It's time'

"I don't know what you mean," I tried to pretend that I was confused, because I didn't know if she really knew what I had with Santana or if this was just a test to discover the truth.

"I know everyone thinks I'm an idiot, but you know that I'm not ... I know you're sleeping with Santana, but I'll tell you something. She loves ME ", she tells me with no emotion

in her voice but with conviction in her eyes.

"Why does she keep coming to my house then?", I decided to continue this game. I wasn't going to let her win so easily.

"Because you're just a distraction when things are getting complicated, you're that something that gets her out of her everyday routine... nothing more," Brittany answered me. "Or perhaps…Did she confess that she loves you?", I looked at her and I would give anything to be able to say yes, that Santana loved me more than her, but both of us knew that I can't confirm that has ever happened.

"Let's be honest Quinn, I love her, maybe you just want her for the fact that she's like unattainable for you and because you're not used to that sort of thing –"

"Why did you come here to ask me to stay away, if you are so confident that I turned out not to be a threat on your relationship then?" I decided to attack because I couldn't stand there hearing what she was saying.

"I'm your friend too, and as a friend and competitor, I come to tell you that I won't leave Santana, I'm going to marry her and we'll overcome this crisis. You should do the same, get over it," I let out a sarcastic laugh. How did she dare to call herself my friend? At least, I've never considered her as one.

"I don't want to", I simply answered.

"Well, Santana has already done that last night, looking at you now", this was a direct blow to my poor heart.

"She loves me, I know it," I say confidently. Even if I've never heard Santana say it, I could feel it. I knew that she didn't just have sex with me, it was always more. We made love to each other.

"Maybe, maybe not, but you know something? She always comes back to our house because she knows I'm her girl, her safety and her peace. However she doesn't have anything like that with you because you destroy everything you touch Q, and you know you're not good for Santana".

"And you are? After you used her and threw her away several times? Do you call that love? ", I couldn't bear it if she really thought she was right for Santana. Brittany did whatever she wanted and without regard to how it would affect Santana.

"You should have taken the opportunity I gave you when I was away then. This is not your chance to claim her. The train only passes once Q... and yours already left long ago".

Those were the last words she said to me before leaving my apartment.

…

..

.

After listening to me retell what happened between Brittany and me. I was with my friends sat in silence. Rachel opened and closed her mouth every two seconds, trying to formulate something coherent but failing every time she made the gesture of talking and moving her hands hysterically. Kurt stayed quiet for a few minutes staring at the wall until he stood up applauding enthusiastically.

"If you stay here, watch bad TV, while eating chocolate and ice cream, you're not going to solve anything, right?"

"Yeah?" Rachel and I both nodded, trying to figure out where he was going with that.

"And if I tell you to go and buy all the liquor you want so you can get drunk, it's likely that, yes, you'll forget all of this for a couple of hours, but you're going to wake up tomorrow with a terrible hangover and you'll want to kill me for the headaches and stomach ache you will have and you'll remember what happened today, so... I think that would just help even less. Am I wrong?". Kurt was still talking and I couldn't understand where his mind was going.

"So?" Rachel asks anxiously.

"I propose to order one of those greasy delivery pizzas now, and while we're waiting, pack your suitcases for tomorrow so you can go with us to San Francisco where you're going to rebuild your life. You will meet a lot of people and make friends, we'll get to enjoy the nightlife of San Francisco, you'll clear your mind a little, you're going to change your look and you'll go shopping for a change of style and leave your past here ", I knew that Kurt was referring to Santana. All that Rachel did while he was talking was to nod her head grinning. I was never in favor of changes, I'm rather conservative.

"I think your idea is very utopian, I really appreciate your intention to help me, but I think I'm just going to be even more depressed when I return to New York after that 'adventurous' trip", I said sincerely, and he shook his head Instantly.

"You don't understand, you're moving with us Quinn," Kurt told me and I looked shocked to Rachel who was also amazed like me, but sooner when I saw her eyes light up I knew she was coming like an avalanche to hug both of us.

"I can't leave everything here, Kurt. I have–"

"Oh sure you can and will, look, I've already rented a hauling truck that will come and get the rest of your things within a couple of days and I've already bought your ticket for tomorrow morning," Kurt informed me while saw how his fingers moved with an amazing speed with his phone and then turned to hug me. "You need a change in your life, Q," he said with a sympathetic and gentle voice, making me close my eyes to recognize that he was right. "You can't go on like this, we are your friends and it kills us to see you the way you're hurting, honey"

"I'm scared," I mumbled into his shoulder and then I felt a body surrounding me from behind, hugging me tightly.

"You don't have to be, that's what friends are for, to help you," Rachel told me while the three of us remained embraced for a moment.

I reluctantly accepted. I really knew that it was all I could do for now, and the truth was that I couldn't face this alone.

…

..

.

So that's it. I moved in with Kurt and Rachel and I felt like I didn't really know what I was doing. Honestly, I started worrying about what I didn't know. I wondered what my parents and Santana had said about what I'd done. I wondered how Santana must have felt if she saw that I was no longer living in my apartment, if she ever came to see me again. If she cried and felt her heart break when she saw that I had moved without telling her or even saying goodbye. Did I ever cross her mind at any moment? Was she missing me? Would she ever wonder where I was? I wish she would.

In the beginning I felt anxious, scared, and lost for a couple of weeks. 'That's totally normal', Rachel and Kurt said to me. Hope they're right, and they were.

I started to feel my own fears and then did it anyway. I started to become brave. I knew the only way to cope with these fears and insecurities were, like always, to face them and proceed with my plan to move out anyway. They are still going to be there for the rest of my life, so why bother?

Staying with my friends gave me a clearer picture of what I was in for and helped me to be more secure. I was able to get on my feet quickly, though I suffered a blast from my past every night. I tried to push those memories a little bit further away every night for my own sake.

The first thing I did was remove Santana and Brittany from all my social networks. My emotional state was not suitable to see how happy they were living together or to inform me about news of their future marriage. I changed my cell phone number. I did everything possible to wipe Santana from my life. I needed to find myself. It wasn't easy, obviously. My second decision, forced by my friends, was to cut my hair and dye it form blonde to copper, modernize my clothes and to study finance, something I always wanted to do but to please my parents I chose to study law.

Rachel and Kurt started to slowly convince me to go out, so I could find stuff to do with other people, and form a new group of friends. Every time I answered them that I would do it while I was on my couch watching TV, they turned it off and told me 'It won't happen if you're sitting on that couch watching Criminal Minds reruns. So, get up, and go get dressed now', it was the only way that Rachel could say it to me. I think she'd be a great mother someday.

I started to hang out with their friends and I find I have a remarkable amount in common with a guy called Adam. He was nice and the more time I spent around him, the more we started to become closer with each other. I was surprised because I didn't originally think I could be this social butterfly. It felt nice.

No matter how much I put myself out there, I was still likely to have some time to myself at home, and that's okay, right? I needed to enjoy the relaxation time once in a while. I know it may take some time, but I hope things will unfold naturally. I moved out thinking that living in a new city would make a new life magically appear for me and I would be living the amazing life that I've always dreamed about. And I knew, as with anything in life, the more positive an attitude I had, the more likely it is that good things would happen… but it's easier said than done.

…

..

.

What Kurt and Rachel never told me was that during these two years, Santana had called a million times, and appeared dozens of times at our apartment looking for me and threatening that if she found out that I was living with them she was going to kill them. They also never confessed that the last time Santana had appeared at our apartment she was drunk and begging them to help her find me because she couldn't live without me. Nor did they tell me that she had separated from Brittany and that their wedding never happened.

I found out about all of this two years after I moved across the country from Santana. I discovered it one morning when I was going to an interview at a shareholder company.

The building where I had my first interview was really huge, it was probably more than 100 meters high. On its façade, the reflective glass dominated. At the same moment that I walked into the building, a girl with copper hair and a very warm smile came to meet me.

"You must be Miss Fabray, right? I'm Annabelle Wingfield. Follow me, please", I nodded again, very astonished and a little disconcerted with what was happening. How was it possible that this woman knew who I was if I had not even introduced myself to her? This company was actually very structured and managed more than efficiently, from the little that I could see.

While I was guided by the clicking of her shoes, I was looking around at the offices separated by glass walls, the furniture which prevailed were black or dark brown and white decor to finalize details. The building gave a look of great seriousness and order, what afforded to the company an image of high efficiency and control. I could see myself clearly in one of those offices.

"Over here, Miss Fabray"

"Call me Quinn, please", I asked the redhead who was supporting the open door so I could enter the office. She only smiled at me and invited me to take a seat. While I was trying to fix my skirt so it wouldn't wrinkle, the girl was looking for a folder that held my resume. Once she found it she handed me a couple of papers with a pen. I looked at her in shock for a few seconds.

"Congratulations, Quinn. We have not interviewed another candidate that meets our criteria like you do. The job is absolutely yours, all you have to do to accept is sign the job offer I have here for you," Annabelle said with a smile.

Without questioning absolutely anything and before they could change their mind, I took the pen and signed without thinking twice. I knew that it was pretty exhausting work but they paid quite well and if it required to keep my mind busy all day, I couldn't ask for anything better. I didn't want to think about anything.

"Perfect, your new boss is waiting in the last office, at the end of this corridor", Annabelle told me and shook my hand to welcome me. I started walking down the hallway that seemed to be endless. I noticed that everyone worked in a very concentrated way within their respective offices. Once I got to my destination, I stopped in front of a huge vintage brown door with a gold door handle. Which, to my taste, was beautiful.

I knocked twice and waited to hear 'come in'. The second I opened the door to the office I froze. A couple of meters in front of me was my new boss. Whose face I could not see very well because the computer was covering it, but I could recognize that perfume, those curves and that dark, shiny and perfect hair from miles away. She hadn't moved her gaze from whatever she was doing on her computer but that didn't matter. I knew who it was. And when she finally raised her head, probably after realizing I hadn't moved from the door after a minute or two, our eyes finally met.

I don't know who was more shocked.

"Quinn." Santana said with wide eyes.

"Santana." I said breathlessly.

...

..

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Let me know what do you think 3


	4. Chapter 4

**It's been a long time since the last update, but I wanted to tell you that I'll finish this story. So, if you are still there reading this, please, your reviews really inspire me to keep writing :) This chapter wasn't corrected by my beta, so every mistakes are totaly mine! Sorryyyyy**

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I saw Santana blink several times as if she wanted to have a better vision by improving focus to realize that it was really me who was in front of her at that moment. I swallowed several times trying to formulate coherent words and so say something, but my voice betrayed me and remained silent. Although it's been two years, I could still read that look and notice how millions of emotions struggled to gain the attention of the brunette, but I had to admit that I've never seen in my life those chocolates eyes that I had loved and I still have –turned too hard, dark and sharp ones. Something very like ... hate mixture of pain and resentment. I felt my chest cringe when I realized that never in my life I had been the protagonist or the cause of that look. Not even when we competed to be the best of Mckinley. It was ironic because in any case, I should be the one who had to look at her in that way. I was the one who always suffered for being the second in everything. So, it was not fair that Santana was looking at me that way, being that she was the least person to do it. I should hate her and should have the courage to scream at her all that I was hiding inside, shout it out loud what it cost me to start over my life again, to heal those wounds she left me and let her know that she just made me know how good was to be on heaven for just two seconds during a fucking hell that it'd always been my life. But all these things would not happen because I was paralyzed, my heart was beating a thousand revolutions per hour and it was absurd to admit that Santana was always going to be my Achilles heel. Whatever it was ... she was always going to be my weak point, which I would never be able to overcome or cope. Some people once they enter deep into your soul, and it doesn't matter what you'll do, they'll never going to leave and it's out of your own control to close that irreversible vulnerability. Santana was one of those.

"Okey–You are not here, this must be a joke" Santana started to shake her head nervously, her hands trembling like an old woman with Parkinson trying to find some papers I assumed they were mine, the contract I had signed. The brunette began to dislodge her hair nervously with her right hand to verify that it was my name that appeared there and gave a laugh that obviously was not joy or anything.

"Santana –" I took two steps to get closer but she quickly hit the table so hard that startled me and I thought that she had parted it in the middle.

"Out", those chocolate eyes refocused on me again with that anger I've never seen on her. They were burning me, but I dared to walk again.

"I didn't know you were going to be–" I keep talking trying to make her rationalize a little but I knew it was too much to ask for someone like Santana. We should talk like civilized people and face the situation that we were going to start an 'employee-boss relationship' first and then, if we could and wanted to, talk about our past but we had to differentiate things. Well, it was another difficult thing to ask.

"I said, Get. The. Fuck. Out!" Santana hit the table again and shout me to retire from there but, being a Fabray, I was not going to tolerate someone treat like that. Even if it was the latina.

"I'm not going anywhere, Santana … so it will be better for you to calm down and make things easier for both of us", I returned to collect courage and to get firm. I had to show that I was not afraid of her. "I just signed that contract, so I'm your new secretary and–"

"I don't see anything, do you?" The brunette again chose to make things difficult and broke the agreement into thousands of pieces. It was the perfect place to let the old Quinn come out and give her the classic slap moment, but I didn't let that happen. If I hit her, I would never have this job and Santana would have more than justifications for sending me away and I was not going to please her. Just as I was going to yell at her for being an incredible bitch, the redhead who had interviewed me entered.

"San–but, what are you doing?" She asked once their eyes met with torn papers and an hysterical Santana. She looked at me several times to try to understand what was happening and then saw the boss who approached her.

"Get her outta here, right now. You're the one who hired her without telling me and I want you to get rid of it–"

"What!? I don't understand why, Santana. She is–"

"Nothing! She is nothing and I don't want to know anything about her being here", Santana shouted pointing at me and for a couple of seconds while her angry eyes nailed me again.

"For being a boss, you're really still the usual whimsical baby" I said and for a moment I thought I was going to have her hands on my neck strangling me but the redhead caught the brunette, whispering to her to calm down. "I really need this job, Santana. Believe me, I don't want to see or be near to you either, but we could quietly work on different schedules or– "

"No. Like you said, I am the boss, therefore, whimsical or not, I have absolute right to decide what strikes me and I want you to go before I do it with my own hands", Santana said again and making me hard to swallow saliva. I didn't let her gaze to intimidate me but I had to admit that she did. I couldn't get used to this form of treatment from her. We used to be ... so different.

"Santana, and I've already performed the procedures of employment and her data is loaded into our system. The contract is done and must be met by at least one year–Santana? Are you okay honey?", while Annabelle tried to explain the reasons why we could not go back, I've already signed the agreements and the contract must meet no matter what, the brunette started having problems with her breathing and her irritated eyes became suddenly confused and incredible lost. I had to restrain my impulses that took me to get close to her to make sure she was okay. "Breathe with me, ok? Slowly, look at me, focus on my eyes. Can you do that? okay? Relax–", the redhead took the hand of the latin girl and placed it on her chest so that it would follow the rhythm of her breathing. I was still stunned by what I was watching. Santana was having panic attacks. I really didn't know what to do. "Quinn, will you leave us alone, please?" Annabelle turned her head in my direction as she tried to relax Santana. I nodded with very little desire and slowly began to leave. My heart was pounding ecstatically at everything that had happened in those minutes. My hands were shaking with nerves and as much as my heart and mind needed to re-enter and verify that the brunette, which was the reason I had moved in here, was fine. I needed to know since when she started having those panic attacks. I had so many questions creating in thousandths of seconds, I felt as if my mind would collapse if they could not stop any moment.

"Miss, Annabelle asked me to take you for coffee. In a few minutes she'll come for us. I'm Biff, by the way", a tall and skinny man with short dark brown hair, approached to me and kissed my hand like a gentleman. Then, I followed Biff' steps who took me to a small bar that was in the building. It spent easily an hour since we ordered coffee, although I hadn't even drunk mine. The man tried to talk to me about more than a few topics but unfortunately didn't get my attention. My mind was busy worrying about Santana and I needed to have news of her about what happened and what was going to happen with me.

"Intimidating the interview with Ms. Lopez, huh?" The man made me come back to reality and I smiled sadly as I played again with the spoon of my coffee. "Don't worry, besides she knows how to admire women's intelligence she also knows how to appreciate their beauty too", he decided to joke as he looked behind me smilingly. My eyes went to where his brown ones where looking and I saw Annabelle walking toward us. Could it be that he said that because something happened between Santana and that girl? Although the subject wasn't none of my business, I was going to find out soon. If they didn't fired me now.

"Would you leave us alone for a moment, Biff?" The redhead asked him politely and he nodded, waved and left me without any protest. "Quinn, I'm so sorry about the scene that happened before, I can assure you that if you decide to stay here, that won't happen again"

"Santana agrees with me to stay?"

"Yet, once she cools her impulses she does know to admit that you perfect for the job and that no one could do better than you", she said smiling and I smiled back at her but still kept my nervous look, not knowing if it was right to ask how she was.

"It's okay, you can ask how she is", Annabelle smiled at me making her gaze to focus on her hands that where on the table. "She's fine, It's been long since the last time she had those panic attacks, since–" She was going to say when was the last time she had suffered them, but stopped when she realized it was intimate information. Which I was dying to know. "I don't understand why. Maybe it's all the work we have lately, that's why you come to us, to rescue us ", she smiled again "and help her a bit. You need to ease the tasks that poor woman", This time I was who smiled at her. "So, I'll see you tomorrow then?" Her warm smile made me nodded slightly. If it was true that something happened between her and Santana, it was understandable. The charisma that radiated the woman was very similar to Brittany but a little more normal and mature. I had to admit that she was a very beautiful woman indeed. "Perfect. Have a good day, Quinn", we shook hands and she left. Well, at last I could go now to my apartment and change my clothes for other large and comfortable, hug my pillow and eat my dose of ice cream trying not to mourn.

There are times when you want to escape from problems, though you travel miles and miles to start from scratch, makes no sense. You do realize then that the world is a small place and life has millions of laps. Life is about affronts that we can overcome without fear and then be able to feel free from them proudly.

...

..

.

Once I got to the apartment, I opened the fridge and grabbed the first thing I found. Whipped cream. Perfect. Before the madness or depression take over me and start to cry while listening to the most depressing songs of the century, I decided to put myself gloves and perform a deep cleaning the apartment, which was very necessary. I needed to distract myself doing some activity to keep me busy and not thinking or collapse when I realized that Santana Lopez was my new boss. She hated me and I had to learn to live with it for the rest of my days.

"Quinn?", I heard the unmistakable voice of Rachel who had just arrived. I shouted that I was in the bathroom and then heard the sound of her heels closer towards me. "Tell me! how did it go! Ok, I already know that– Quinn? What are you doing? Oh –oohh 'all right, Quinn ... it's normal, everyone has ever happened to us at least once, that we weren't hired or–"

"I've got the job!", I shouted angrily shaking the toilet brush I had in my hands and then continued to clean the toilet, avoiding eye contact with my friend.

"Yay! I'm so happy for you! I knew it– Ehm, wait, then, what happened that you're almost going to remove the toilet's paint by scrubbing so much with the brush?", at any other time it would have been comical to see the different facial features Rachel did trying to process the information I had given to her and the tension my body was transmitting that didn't match with the 'happy new'.

"Guess who is my fuckin' boss, Santana Lopez!" I said smiling not in the best way and continued scrubbing the toilet after placing more whipped cream in my mouth.

"I'll get the vodka," I heard Rachel say before leaving the bathroom.

…

..

.

Luckily, if it can be called that way, I haven't run into Santana for weeks. Although I didn't want to see her for the welfare of my mind and heart, I couldn't deny that I needed to know how she was. It urged me the need to know how she was, even having heard the halls that 'the boss was not coming to work because she was having panic attacks again'. Beyond all that, I could rescue that the atmosphere was very comfortable and Biff helped me to keep me distracted most of my workday. I knew deep down that he had other intentions, if I had never met Santana, I could give him the opportunity to start something with him. But it would be unfair to give someone illusions, knowing I would never be able to give all that I am. I have already experienced this situation enough to cause it to another.

It was at a party that had organized the company, which I agreed to go with Biff, where I saw the brunette. At some point, I had managed to separate me from Biff and had led to a balcony to get some air and admire the lights of the city for a while. I needed to be a bit alone and quiet. Once I had decided to leave the party after a few minutes if my co-worker didn't returned to find me, I was shocked to hear someone approaching and by the noise it seemed he was trying to light a cigarette. When I turned my face to see who it was, my body tensed. There, three steps away from me it was standing the person who I hadn't seen since the day of my interview. As much as tried and forced to divert my eyes, I could not make my body respond to the orders of my brain. My eyes waited for her to finish lighting the cigarette, until those brown eyes met mines. Her gaze froze for a moment and I thought she would immediately go back to the room, but I was surprised to see how she blew smoke and headed towards the balcony railing for support avoiding me.

"You hated cigarettes", I commented without taking my eyes of her. Santana was still giving me her back.

"People change, tubbers" she simply said without looking at me and we were silent. The fact that she was using nicknames with me again, made me feel like as if we went back to the days of high school. She could tell me that people change over time, but the essence of each one always remains.

"You didn't come to work for weeks" I decided not to respond aggressively to the insult, which managed to Santana turn to face me.

"No fuckin' shit, Sherlock", she replied sarcastically and I suddenly got the urge to slap her like old times. That was how we roll.

I'll never know what was it that prompted me to get close to her to take her cigar and smoking it. Maybe I just wanted to know what would be her reaction. Before my fingers made contact with the cigarette, her frown was dropped and immediately moved her hand not giving me the cigarette.

"Nuh-huh, you have forbidden smoking, teen mom. I am not going to let your suicide attempt hurt my image and to lose my company for your fult", Santana answered me seriously and without hesitation, threw the cigarette. I felt my heart speed up a bit to see that even she remembered things that had banned me after my accident. Although immediately everything faded when the Latin girl took marijuana from her purse that she holding on her hand.

"You are not going to get high in front of me, Santana", I demanded her while trying to remove what she had on her hand.

"What the–get off me Fabray!" The brunette tried to get rid of my hands but we started shoving and fighting with our hands that I ended up cornering her against the wall. For a few seconds, her eyes were merged with mine and feeling her breath so close to my face, my body turned numb. It's been so long since I had her this close to me… it's been two fuckin' years and…I think I didn't really realize how much I missed her body against mine like I'm doing right now that much.

"Stay the fuck away from me", I couldn't even enjoy the moment of getting back so close to her that I immediately felt a push force me to reality against the balcony railing. I blinked several times until I could return to react and see that the brunette was going to smoke the marijuana. I sighed.

"I will not conceal my boss getting high, Santana. You've never done these things– "

"Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what can I do and what not? What the fuck do you care? If it bothers you that much, you can safely submit your resignation, which I would accept immediately", Santana said, raising her voice to me which made me swallow hard and I had to contain my desire to beat her for the second time.

"You know that whatever you do, I won't present my resignation. You'll have to learn to deal with my presence, Santana. We are adults now", I said and she just laughed as she lit her marijuana. I just sighed and went to lean on the wall, watching as she continue smoking. After a few minutes in silence, I noticed that she wasn't wearing any ring in her finger.

"Recently married and no longer use the alliance, huh," I laughed sarcastically but immediately regretted having done that in a matter of milliseconds, Santana walked toward me, her eyes were so bloodshot that I didn't know if it was for the same effect of marijuana or the anger she was feeling at that moment. When I had the feeling that the latina would scream at me or we were going to begin a fight to the high school style, the presence of Annabelle saved me.

"Santana, you're here", said the redhead looking at our faces until she then realized that the brunette was out of herself. "I think it's time to go, San ... I'll call a cab" she said before she left us alone again.

"Just as many things happened in two years, some didn't", was the first time I heard the voice of Santana so fragile. Once she said those words, she withdrew from there leaving me dazed by my thoughts trying to process what she had just said.

"Quinn! At last I found you, do you want to–", Biff's voice startled me and made me stop processing in my mind.

"I want to go home, Biff", I ask him and then I started walking out of there. He simply nodded confused and immediately we headed to his car. Biff was a smart boy and he knew that something had happened to me during the party that made me so silent. While my mind was still drawing by their own conclusions, I swallowed a lump in my throat and tried to hold my composure. I didn't want to cry in front of him.

'Just as many things happened in two years, some didn't'

That sentence was repeated over and over in my head.

'Some didn't'

Could it be? It could be that Brittany and Santana's wedding had never happened? Why–

"You know you can tell me anything, Quinn, right? I know we don't know each other much, but you can trust me", my co-worker told me and for some strange reason made me burst into tears, which provoked him to open his eyes without understanding what had he done to cause my tears and then stopped the car to calm me down.

"Hey Quinn Shhh, relax", his arms wrapped around my shoulders and I feel him pushed me against his chest. Once I manage my breathing to calm a little, I separated from his body and smiled as I felt Biff dried my tears and tried to correct my makeup with a tissue.

"I know how often women go crazy when they see her ruined makeup", he tried to joke which managed to bring a smile to my face. He waited a few minutes so I could achieve my composure and then he looked at me so I could start talking. I knew he was going to ask.

"Ms. Lopez and you have already met, haven't you?", Biff asked slowly and I sighed before nodding my head. "And, I can assume that something else happened between the two of you, but, what happened?"

"It's ... complicated and a long story" I replied pleading him with my eyes to stop asking and luckily he realized that I didn't want to talk about it. I had that damn question tormenting my head and I didn't know how long I would continue supporting the intrigue. I didn't really know if I wanted to know or if it was better to leave things as they were. It was no longer my concern, right? "By the way, how did you know–"

"Annabelle is in love with Miss Lopez, but they never managed to formalize 'the relationship'", he explained what I had already deduced quite some time. It was very obvious that something was happening between them to see how Annabelle knew everything that happened to Santana, or how she did anything for being next to her. "While you were on the balcony with Santana, Annabelle's was watching you from the bar and by the way she looked at you sadly, I knew you had something to do with it", he said and I opened my eyes alarmed at what I had heard. Right away I could imagine the situation where the redhead got me fired and– "Don't worry, she's not one of those demented bitches who want to exterminate their competences" Biff tried to make me relax. But upon hearing that the redhead wanted to formalize the relationship that she had with the brunette, my mind kept exploding with conclusions that she had not married, or maybe she had already divorced? I needed clarity of once for all.

"Do you know if Santana is married–"

"I never knew that Miss Lopez was married, at least until now ..." the boy answered me somewhat confused. "Why do you ask me that?"

Santana was not married.

Brittany and Santana never married. So ... why have I never known about this? Why did Rachel and Kurt tell me–why hide that information? Why? Why did they allow me to suffer all this time picturing the two of them living together happily being that never happened that wedding? Maybe if I'd known, I would have never moved and–

"I need you to take me to my house, now!" I urgently demanded to Biff who was startled to see how my mood had turned into the opposite I was feeling seconds behind.

As I watched Biff passing cars, I could not wait any longer to arrive and meet my two friends and make them answer my questions before I go crazy completely. And what if they had hidden me something else? What if I was missing something else? And what if Santana did try to contact me? Or if Santana wanted to return to be with me and I was not there to–

What if? What if. Whatif–Whatif…

The health of my heart and my mind needed to know all those things. I needed more air to breathe. Because sometimes that 'those things that never go out' as much as the things that happen, can change everything in your life. Within seconds, certain facts can change the course of life. And although I have tried to start all over, that information would transport me back to two years ago, even though I wouldn't like it to and it was already late to do so.

...

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 **Let me know what you think :) Love ya!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So, this chapter is dedicated to theonethatgotaway4 You wanted to know what happened it those two years.** **I've promised... Here you are ;) Hope you'll like it! =)**

 **thisisforme7231:** I'm back again! :D hope you'll like it :)

 **sidspa:** Glad to know that you're still reading :) Hope you'll like it!

 **Bela23:** I'm back again! lol. Let me know what you think :)

 **RedQueen13:** Okay, I'm honored to read what you wrote on the review :) I think Santana deserves someone more like Quinn, too. They understand each other perfectly and the chemistry between them is a plus. I'm very happy to know that you like how the story unfolds. Let me know what you think about this chapter and what would you like to read? It always help read other perspectives :)

 **GabbyGabrielle:** New chapter for you! :)

 **Guests:** Please identify yourself. It will be easier to answer your reviews, thanks anyway!:)

 **Janny:** Hope you are still there, it took me a while to update, sorry =/ Glad to know you liked the story :) Hope you'll like it!

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 _So come on  
Won't you give me something to remember?_  
 _Baby, shut your mouth and turn me inside out_  
 _Even though we couldn't last forever_  
 _Baby, you know what I want right now_

I didn't even say goodbye to Biff. I felt the mixture of fear, anger and despair taking all the power necessary to make every cell in my body tremble without consolation. I didn't know what terrified me the most, to know that my friends had lied to me or to find out that Santana never married Brittany. I was frightened to know if I could have saved myself all this time of suffering and prevent Santana from hating me as she was doing right now, like had never done before. I needed to know if what I've always wished for my future would have come true if it not were for all of these things. I needed explanations, details, everything… why?

"Quinn! You arrived early! We were just getting ready to leave and–Quinn? You're okay? Sweetheart, it looks like somebody's dead from the look of your face–"Kurt tried to get closer to me but then I stretched out my arm to get him away, which alerted him and I could see that Rachel was watching closely what was happening. It took me several seconds to try to calm my breathing down, although the tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

"Quinn, you're scaring us, what happened? You know we're your friends and–" I slapped him hard before he finished that sentence. Rachel jumped and cover her mouth with her hands at what had happened.

"Friends do not lie to each other, don't they? Huh? It's funny, because I had always hate both of you, but, when I've decided to finally trust on others than myself… what happened? You betrayed me. You lied to me. You fucking made me leave my place and the love of my life to move in here with you. You hide the truth and made me believe that Santana fucking married Brittany! You saw me cried my heart out, let me be depressed all this time, knowing that the wedding have never happened! So, yeah, tell me now. Who are the friend you're talking about because I think even my worst enemies wouldn't do that to me" I tried so hard to stop crying but the moment was so intense I still couldn't believe that they would do that to me. I saw Kurt and Rachel trying to formulate something to explain but nothing came out. "

"It's not what you think, Quinn, please. Let us explain–"

"So explain! Because I'm going nuts here! I don't know what to do anymore! I told you that she was my boss and you still kept lying and acting!" My hands began to tremble harder and my crying was more desperate. Kurt and Rachel tried to get closer but I raised my hands up again in sign that I did not want to be touched by them.

"I've never thought that this was going to happen! Quinn –"

"But it's happening and right now Santana hates me and it hurts me more seeing that anger in her eyes when she looks at me than imagining her and Brittany living a married life. I had never seen that hate in someone. You don't know how awful it feels because you're not the reason. And, I-I –"

"Quinn, We thought that this was the best for you–let us speak, please", Kurt sat next to me on the sofa and cut me off. "You weren't yourself back then and you were always waiting for her and it hurts us seeing you like that. You worth a lot more and you deserve to be happy with someone who puts you on the top of his priorities, don't you agree? Maybe Santana needed that too, so she could see that what she was doing to you and Brittany wasn't fair and it was only going to end badly. You both needed that space. Maybe we should have told you every time she came –"

And that's when my heart stopped beating again. Santana came here to get me and they never told me.

What do you do when your heart hurts that much in your chest as if it wants to explode? How to live with so much indignation and despair? Just to think that Santana might have come to tell me that she had left Brittany and imagine that I could throw myself into her arms and start our own story …

…

..

.

 ** _Two years ago Santana…_**

It took only a week for Santana to take courage so she could go to Quinn's apartment. From that last night together, she couldn't think of anything but her deep green eyes, her skin, the rhythm of her heart, her mouth every time she spoke her name. Her whole body. Quinn had totally taken over her thoughts. In that single week Santana and Brittany fought every day and every time they saw each other after leaving their respective jobs. They had never fought so much in all those years. Brittany demanded more attention for the wedding and wanted her to explain why she was so distanced and indifferent to her being that they were about to get married.

One Friday night, Brittany was asking Santana how the invitation card should be designed so they could send them after a few days, but she was still sitting on the couch trying to read a book that even her fiancé realized she never turned the page to continue her reading.

"I need you to talk to me, Santana! It is assumed that when two people are about to marry they are happy and–"

The Latina did not even hear what her fiancé was screaming at her. It was as if everything was silent, as if she was living in a lost and gray world. 'They supposed to be happy.' Was she really happy? Since she'd said goodbye to Quinn, she was never asleep as she used to. Her fiancée tried to seduce her again and again but she said she was tired and stressed out by the university. The truth was that every time Brittany kissed, she closed her eyes and what she could see it was only green. Not blue. She needed to see those hazel eyes and Quinn's smile again.

It was then, when Brittany demanded that she should show her she was happy to spend the rest of her life with the person she loved, that Santana made that click that she should have done it long ago, before all this had happened.

"Can't you see I'm not happy!", shee shouted throwing the book on the couch and startling the blonde. Her blue eyes began to glow and to moisten. The brunette guided her hands to her face without knowing how to control the accumulation of emotions she was feeling. She was exploding. "I'm sorry Britt, but I can't do this. I can't marry you. I love you, but is not enough" , with those simple words she stood up and left her house to go where her heart was. It had been years since she's been running so hard. It was very cold outside, but Santana didn't care. She needed to see Quinn, tell her that she could not marry if she was not with her. To tell her that she loved her. Tell her everything she always wanted to say but she had never dared to do it. She was going to fight for what she felt one more time in her life. She had never been a person who liked the changes, life's challenges. That was why it had taken her a long time to get out of the closet and claim her love for Brittany. She always did things that others would admire her for or what they always said she should do. She wasn't that different from Quinn on that point. But this time she was going to face all that, waiting and begging on her own mind that Quinn would tell her that she will always be with her. Waiting for the other blonde also to confess her love for her.

"Quinn! Open the door please! Quinn! ", She kept knocking on the door, smiling and crying at the same time, as if she were a schizophrenic person. "Please, Quinn! I need to talk to you! "She continued shouting and knocking on the door for another two minutes, until it opened. She was about to kiss the love of her life–

"Excuse me lady, but there isn't a Quinn living here. I've just move in yesterday", an old man opened the door and the smile that Santana was holding on disappeared immediately.

"W-what did you just say?"

And her heart literally crushed and that's when the storms began.

…

..

.

She was staying in a hotel room for two days now and yet she couldn't found Quinn. She had changed her number and disappeared on every social media. Every time her IPhone vibrated her heart skip a beat, hoping it would be her and not her ex-fiancé. She needed to find her lover and spill it out everything she didn't say to her so then she could focus on her non-marriage. She should give it more importance to Brittany and try to solve the better she could the situation but her heart and mind were interested in another blonde.

During the first month, the latina went every day to Quinn's apartment, knocking the door and shouting her name and every time the old man tried to explained to her that it was true. He was living there and she didn't know any Quinn. The man was very nice and calm, any other person would just call the police at the second time Santana had appeared again demanding violently to know where was this girl.

Well. He got tired at some point and one night he did called the police.

Santana was very very drunk, pushed the man away the door so she could enter the place and search for Quinn.

…

..

.

Brittany was the one who got her out of prison.

"I'm willing to forgive you for that… slip, Santana. I still believe in us and –"

"Brittany, I cheated! Don't you understand? You should hate me for that and not being all forgiving! Unless –"

"I knew you were having this fling with her", the blonde confessed and Santana just stared at her not knowing what or how to respond at what she had said. She just couldn't believe it.

"What the –and you didn't say anything?", Santana asked her and Brittany nodded her head with the saddest smile the latina had ever seen on her face. That killed her. She used to be the reason of every smile and sparks reflecting on those blue eyes and now… she ruined her life.

"I told you, Santana. I believe in our marriage and –"

"You let me cheat on you with Quinn all this time!", the brunette tried to understand her ex-girlfriend. She felt horrendous. Imaging Britt watching her leave their home every night she said she was going out with her friends, knowing she was heading to Quinn's apartment instead made her sick. She knew she was the worst girlfriend but she couldn't admit that she regretted what she did. If she could go back on time, she would do it again and again but, she would break up with Brittany. That would be the only part she would change if she could. If only…

"I love you and I know you, Santana. You know why you couldn't tell me about your… 'thing' with her", Brittany started talking and Santana waited to hear what she was going to say. "We belong together, San. We both know that Quinn is one of those girls who only care about herself. She's lost and is using you and soon or later she's going to get bored and –"

"Stop it! You're just saying that because you don't want to admit that she's the one that I love and n–"

She should have stayed calm. She should have ignored everything Brittany was saying and try not to explode. In point of fact, she should have known this was going to end badly, causing a disaster. She should have known all of this for the very first time. Actually, she should have made a choice that night she saw Quinn again two month later, after their non-wedding night.

…

..

.

 ** _The third-time_**

 _She was sitting next to Brittany who was exaltedly sharing the news about Santana and her giving another try to their relationship. Santana wasn't listen to anything she was saying, she was drowning on those deep green eyes that were staring her all the time and she couldn't stand it anymore. So, when the latina finally stood up and excused herself so she could go to the bathroom, she was begging in her mind that Quinn would go after her. She felt guilty for wanting her other best friend more than her recently girlfriend, but she couldn't help it._

 _"Fancy seeing you here, Rosario", the brunette was surprised for being followed by the blonde. She wasn't ready to be alone with her yet. She tried to keep distance between them when Quinn began to approach towards her, but she failed._

 _"Tell me I'm not the only one wishing for a third-time thing, Santana", Quinn's lips were against hers and they were breathing the same air. Santana could hear her own heart going crazy as she tried to open her eyes and denied what her friend had just told her. "Because, I must tell you S, I've spent every night wishing that were your fingers inside of me instead of mine"_

 _"Jesus, Quinn", the ex-cheerio grabbed the other girl by her neck and kissed her hard. Even though her brain was alarming her she shouldn't do it, it was what she most wanted since that night. And it seemed Quinn wanted to do that too, because she let her pushed her against the wall and she even helped her to get rid of her panties faster._

 _They just knew then, it was the start of something they didn't want to end it. Ever._

…

..

.

Brittany went on a Beyoncé tour as her dancer and told Santana that she could stayed where they were living. She didn't care about the house anymore and maybe she would never come back there. So Santana stayed and started her search for Quinn. She needed to found her. It took her weeks to admit that she wasn't living in the city anymore.

…

..

.

"Berry, this is the last chance that I'm giving you to tell me the truth. Where the fuck is Quinn?", Santana was screaming at the phone and trying to not break the remote control of the tv. She was more nervous than ever and her third Mexican eye was assuring her that Berry and Hummel knew where Quinn was staying, but they were hiding it from her. It's been two month since Brittany was gone and she haven't heard any news about Quinn yet. She called Rachel and Kurt every day for the entire month.

"Santana, I swear! I don't know what you are talking –"

"Fuck you! I'm not stupid, ok! I know she's somewhere and I'm going to find out and then, I'm going to burn your stupid shit hole where Kurt and you are living! You'll regret it! I fucking swear!"

Santana threw her phone to the wall and got drunk that night.

…

..

.

After six months, Santana started traveling every Saturday for a month to San Francisco looking for Quinn. The first time she was sobered and almost brook Rachel and Kurt's apartment door. She invaded the apartment and began desperately searching everywhere until Rachel, Kurt and Blaine managed to calm her down and explain that she did not live there. When Santana was about to leave, she saw a flowered dress that could only be Quinn's on Rachel's bed. It was what she needed to re-activate her madness, but among the three managed to get her out of the apartment.

Lucky losers.

The second time, she went to San Francisco in the afternoon and when she was arriving at the apartment, she saw a blond girl on the corner who was about to take a taxi. At that moment, Santana had already drunk some alcohol, but she could swear that it was Quinn so she shouted her name but the girl never turned to her. After five seconds, Kurt opened the door to leave the apartment and was surprised to see Santana who immediately took him by the neck to corner him against the wall. Before she could hit him, a couple of boys were passing and immediately got in the way and managed to separate them. Kurt tried to explain that it was a silly fight between friends and convince them to not to do anything to the brunette or call the police.

The third time was a couple of days before Christmas. Kurt and Rachel were throwing a party on the apartment so Quinn could meet another people and made some friends. Santana could barely stand on her feet when she was about to entered the apartment, but Kurt and Rachel stopped her before Quinn could see her.

"Suéltame afore I endzzz you, dwarf! Quinn! Quinnie! Hey! What the–! Gimme the vodka back! Fuuuff youu!", Santana started yelling as Kurt and Rachel took her away from the house. She could be small but she sure was stronger than both of them together.

"Santana, you can't keep doing this anymore. Do you understand?", Rachel was trying to make her comprehend about the situation. She wasn't herself anymore and she needed to start her new life without Quinn or Brittany. It was about time. "San–Santana! Can't you just listen to me, please?", Rachel was trying to gain her attention but the latina was too busy trying to get the vodka bottle back from Kurt who was shaking it away from her side to side. "Hey! Just. Stop it. Will you!", she had to take the bottle from Kurt and give it to the cheerleader. She knew Santana wasn't going to pay her attention if they didn't give her the vodka, so...

"Thankssss", the ex -cheerio said and took a sip from the bottle. "So, You were sayin' Rachhh.."

"I know you, Santana and I can't understand why you're doing this to yourself. You're more than this, ok? Where is your big ego, huh? I know it must be hard to lose your two best friends but they're living her life right now, aren't they?", that was the first time the two brunettes looked at each other and Rachel could swear she heard Santana's heart crushed a little. So, she approach her and hugged her. Who would say she was going to hugged Santana Lopez someday? She prayed that sober Santana won't kill her when she remember what had happened the next day. "You need to move on. Quinn already has. She left Lima and she's starting a new life, away from you, discovering who she really is and you need to do that, too. And without them. You need to know who you really are without Brittany and Quinn", with that, the latina leave the city and decided she needed to see a psychologist, she really needed some help and maybe that could be a good start.

She did started the visits to the psychologist but still, she needed to make the last try and go to try to find Quinn. She did travelled, but this time was different because she was sober, a bit resigned and… gloomy. When she arrived to San Francisco, she decided to take a very long walk by her own. She put her headphones so she could listen to her favourite playlist on Spotify. After two hours of walking without destination, she did find the blonde she was looking for. She didn't wish anything more than run to approach her but, Quinn was… happy. She've never seen her that calm or… free… in her whole life. And Santana thought in that instant that maybe Rachel was right, they deserved to find out theirself first and perhaps, life would surprise them someday. It was when a guy arrived and hugged Quinn from behind when Santana flinched. She felt so stupid. What did she really expect? She was Quinn Fabray after all. What hurt her the most and infuriated her was seeing that she was better without her, and she wasn't.

She decided to never came back that place, then.

She tried every single day to forget her but failed and fell on drugs till she met Annabelle, who was the person who supported her on everything and she slowly started to find herself again. The redhead was more helpful than her psychologist. She was an amazing friend. Santana owned her the world for everything she had done for her.

"You deserve the world. You know that, don't you? Don't anyone let you think otherwise", the brunette said to her one of those night she finally started to quit drugs. They went for dinner and then Anna wanted to go for a walk and who was Santana to deny her that? After hearing that, the redhead smiled to her and couldn't hide the blush on her cheeks. Santana saw how bright those green eyes turned and didn't expected her to stretch her hand to take hers.

"Anna–"

"I know you still love her although you say you hate her–and don't give me that look because you know I'm right, Santana. But, you can't hate her forever, you know? You deserve the world, too. You just need someone to prove you that"

They didn't do anything that night.

…

..

.

 **Present, Quinn POV**

"Quinn? ", Rachel tried to get any reaction from me but I was looking everywhere but any of them as I kept playing with my fingers, thing I did when I was feeling nervous and trying to hold myself back. When the short girl tried to approach me, I immediately stood up rising my arms up to avoid any contact, as if it were to burn me. I couldn't stand anything from them.

"Don't. I need time to digest this before I do something crazy", I said and left the place. I needed some air. It was too much to take in. Suddenly I was feeling like the Quinn from two years ago and didn't know how to control my multiple emotions that were driving me more than wild or furious. So, I started to walk to the only place I wanted to go, to Santana's. I was hoping -maybe in vain- that for once the Latina would listen to me and somehow be kind. I needed to feel her close once again, and make everything alright. I wanted to live all those 'what if' and be happy with the love of my life. My body was craving for her kisses and her touch. Santana was the only one who ever made me feel alive and complete though we weren't together back then. I couldn't imagine how it would be to be with her officially. But, was it too much what I was asking for? I kept walking as my tears couldn't stop falling and my eyes were blurry. I needed to find some peace in my life at least for once.

I didn't know what I was going to say to Santana when she opened the door but, that I needed to see her that's for sure. So, I inhale slowly, trying to gain my composure back and waited outside.

It was time to make it right and face everything we've always been running from.

...

..

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 **So? What do you think? Let me know xoxo** 3


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